Trouble
by Wholives4Eva
Summary: They'd won. Bad guys dead, world saved and he'd even kissed the girl. Well two girls if you wanted to be technical, and that's where things started to go wrong. Birkhoff was in trouble. Rated T mainly for language and to be safe. Has both Mikita and Salex moments but there are slight hints of Birkhoff/Nikita Birkhoff/Sonya.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: So this is my first fanfic for Nikita. It's just an idea I have been playing around with post season 3. Think it's probably a one shot but not entirely sure. Please read & review any all feedback would be much appreciated. I'm not sure if I've really captured the characterisation – or if maybe Birkhoff especially is a little too OOC.**

**Prologue – Day One AP (after Percy)**

Birkhoff was in trouble. He hadn't planned it this way, admittedly at the time it hadn't looked like there would be much long term planning to be done. A future with Percy running things wasn't a future at all. Everything in his life now came down to Before Percy (insane, terrifying death or glory -Luke defeating the Deathstar single handed kind of stuff) and After Percy (victory, success, the good guys rewarded – Han Solo gets a medal and the girl etc.). Now though, well now it was all over. The dust had settled, the marines had gone home (unfortunately they may have been useful) and here he stood in Division with trouble headed his way. Well perhaps not headed his way, but definitely glaring in his direction. Michael stood on the walk way, hands braced on the rail. Birkhoff could feel his glare on the back of his neck – he didn't look up.

Initially it had all been good. They'd won. Bad guys dead, world saved and he'd even kissed the girl. Well two girls if you wanted to be technical, and that's where things started to go wrong. Who knew the guy could hold a grudge? The whole thing with Percy and Kasim wasn't such a one off after all. Birkhoff had been just been preparing to honour the dweebs with his wisdom when the voice of doom spoke.

'_Birkhoff a moment.'_ That's when he'd glanced up and first caught the goatee of intimidation being beamed his way. It didn't even take two seconds thought for his brain to throw up the memory of his lips on Niki's and the look on Mikey's face when he'd patted him on the shoulder and blithely promised 'you can kick my ass later'. He was in trouble, soooo much trouble.

**4 am Day Three AP**

Two days later Birkhoff stared at his pale face in the bathroom mirror. Even for him he was looking bad – less like he'd been up all night playing World of Warcraft and more like he'd just got back from a week-long tour of some of the more questionable bars in downtown Bangkok. He had bags on the bags under his eyes and he'd developed a weird convulsive tic on the left side of his face. He was completely fucking screwed and the tension was killing him. Not only was he trying to avoid the big dark and scary ass-kicking that Mikey seemed intent on delivering, but both Niki and Sonya had separately and still somehow terrifyingly, suggested quietly that they should 'talk'. It was the quite serious way that they said it that had him worried. He was Shadowwalker – he didn't do 'girl talk'. Well unless they were online and it somehow involved the removal of their clothes. Suddenly though he's got TWO girls who think they should TALK. He was in trouble. So much fucking trouble.

Placing his shaking hands on the edge of the basin Birkhoff peered blearily into the eyes of his reflection. They were red-rimmed and the pupils were dilated, he'd been living on Red Bull for the last 48 hours. When that had stopped working he'd added a chaser of black coffee and then topped that with some straight vodka he thought Alex may have left in his den when she'd shut herself in there yesterday with sailor boy. Supposedly they'd needed to talk (there was that word again), but everyone knew talking was not what they'd been doing. Hell -Sean's t-shirt had been on backwards, the Russian Princesses' hair had been everywhere, and both of them had been grinning like maniacs when they finally emerged hours later. Badass I may kill you if you laugh at me maniacs – but still maniacs. So here he was hiding out in the bathroom – too terrified to sleep in case one of his three new nightmares caught up with him. While somewhere at the back of his head a little voice kept worrying about what exactly the Boy Scout and Princess had been doing on his couch, and whether it would be easier to get it cleaned or buy a new one, and god-help him praying they'd been nowhere near his desk chair. Cause he loved that chair.

Shit. Maybe he'd been looking at this all wrong – maybe by 'talk' Sonya and Niki meant some couch action! He could certainly do that. Hell he'd had long involved fantasies about doing that, with both of them or even better both of them together. He could picture it now the slide of hands on caramel skin, Nikita, in that soft white lace thing she wore to bed, lips -soft and demanding at the same time- on his, as his hands stroked up Sonya's thigh pushing the thin silk of her pale pink negligée... oh fuck. He slapped himself in the face. He had to get his shit together. He poured cold water into the basin and stuck his whole head in. Shaking his head to clear the water out of his eyes, he shivered as water dripped down his neck. He needed a cold shower, he needed some sleep, he needed a way out. He glanced once more at his reflection in the mirror, wet hair stuck to his head, eyes glazed and a five o'clock shadow that had passed five o'clock yesterday, and strode out of the bathroom. He wasn't sure where he was headed, but he was headed for trouble.

**7 pm Day Four AP**

In the end Birkhoff did what he always did when he was in trouble – hands on the keyboard he poured all of his energy into his computer. Ryan wanted Divisions security redesigned, and as he'd made clear today in the high level briefing he'd demanded Alex, Sean, Michael, Birkhoff and Nikita all attend, he wanted it done last week. Whilst his demands were a pain – little CIA man thought he was giving the orders now – Birkhoff would lay money on how long that lasted (Niki just didn't get that whole chain of command thing – never had, probably never would). No one had argued that it made complete sense to redesign the security system though. With Percy gone, and Division reborn it was difficult to say who was and who was not to be trusted, and there was always that psycho-bitch Amanda to worry about. He'd made it work for him though – with Division at imminent risk of a security breach he'd had a valid excuse for avoiding Niki and Mikey and he'd all but ordered Sonya to glue her ass to her computer. Hunched over the keyboard, the light from the monitor bleaching what little colour was left in his face his fingers danced through the code. He was Shadowwalker, he ruled this world, he was …_'Nerd we need to talk- NOW'_….so fucked. Nikita strode into his den her refusal to be denied in every line of her body. She was the embodiment of determination, and clearly on one of her crusades. In other words she was a walking, talking unstoppable force of nature, and she was headed his way.

'_Ah Niki I'm kinda busy you know protecting the innocent, defending the nation blah blah blah.'_ He didn't look up from his monitor – hopefully if he looked busy she might go away. Yeah – that was likely, but you lived in hope. _'This is more important and I need you on it now. You've been avoiding me for days – don't think I haven't seen you lurking in the corners when I'm around, and frankly you could use a break you look like shit.'_ She stopped directly beside his chair, and leaned over to peer into his face.

'_Thanks for the boost to my fragile self-esteem – not all of us have time for a daily facial- some of us have to work you know, and Ryan was pretty insistent that this was my top priority.'_ Admitting defeat he swung his chair to face her and hesitantly meet her eyes. Maybe given how shit he looked she'd take pity on him – a swift verbal kick in the balls rather than a full scale emotional attack where he might have to admit to having FEELINGS. Birkhoff didn't do feelings – look where they got you, a broken hand, psycho bitches attempting to redesign your frontal lobe, and twenty million dollars of your money floating ash on some New Jersey back country road. Nikita put a hand on his shoulder, and gave him a concerned look _'What is with you – you know I'm just concerned, and following Ryan's orders – that's a cope out and we both know it. Sure the security system is important but so are you, and right now you're the one I'm more worried about.' _With that she grabbed his arm and started to pull him to his feet.

That was the thing about Niki – she was always surprising you. She looked so delicate, every guys wet dream, but underneath there was real strength there, both physical and emotional. He swayed as he came fully upright, and felt the burn of moisture behind his eyes as he contemplated what she was going to say. He didn't need to hear she cared, loved him even except maybe not the way he'd sometimes like. Shit – he'd spent a long time not thinking about that, and really most of the time he was okay with it, happy even. He liked to think that maybe if she hadn't met Michael first he'd have been in with a chance. Certainly he thought he had a better shot than Mr CIA analyst or that tattooed wannabe asylum inmate Owen. But really that was all talk, all crap he allowed himself in the privacy of his own head. Somehow with Nikita and Michael you just couldn't be envious- there was something just so right about them. It was like Aragorn and Arwen Evenstar, or that Twilight shit with the sparkly vampire and the weird pale chick (which he had not watched, not even once…well maybe once….but it had only been the first movie) and he was so not the werewolf type. Oh Jesus fucking Christ he was in trouble …. now he was having fucking feelings.

Nikita put her arm around his shoulder and braced him as he hurriedly wiped the moisture from his eyes, praying she hadn't noticed. _'Shit Nerd, Alex is right you need to lay-off those energy drinks. That crap will kill you – come on we'll go back to the warehouse, l'll make you a nice veggie shake, and Alex and Sean are bringing home Chinese there should be plenty. You need to broaden your diet – include some actual food groups.'_ With that Nikita hustled him out of the den and along the corridor towards the elevator, her arm now circling his waist. Furtively he tried to check over his shoulder – he so did not want to run into Mikey with Nikita cuddled up to him. _'God are you trying to poison me Niki – veggie shakes are not food –I'm positive they are some kind of left over conditioning from Amanda, and you should seek help. And I don't see Mikey drinking your shakes – if you can't convince him given the kind of "persuasion" you could use, how the hell do you think you can get me to drink them?'_ She stopped abruptly and he nearly tripped over his own feet in an effort not to fall. Glaring at her he watched as she stepped in closer, placing her free hand on his chest. _'Are you questioning my "persuasive" techniques Birkhoff?'_ Her voice was husky and had dropped to a low purr as she spoke. Gulping he closed his eyes and tried really really hard not to think about how her mouth tasted. Suddenly he was shoved off balance again, and his arm was drawn up behind his back as she applied pressure until it was just on the edge of pain. _'Am I persuading you now?'_ Her breath was hot and moist in his ear as she chuckled; dropping his arm she slung hers around his waist and started off again. _'Come on let's get you home, you need to get some sleep and let your mouth catch up with your brain.'_

In the enclosed space of the elevator he held his hands behind his back, trying to disguise their shaking. For a brief moment there he'd thought she was going to kiss him, and he hadn't been sure if he was terrified that she would or that she wouldn't. He knew which the better idea was obviously; I mean he liked his body with all its limbs intact. Amanda had reinforced that for him quite clearly, and the chances of Michael being less generous in the ass-kicking department if the kisses were mutual were not high. Fact is he'd bet on Spock having a passionate affair with Captain Kirk before he'd put money on Michael's reaction being at all understanding. Sometimes the guy was just plain unreasonable. Problem was he could still smell her skin, feel where her hand had touched his chest, and the memory of the softness of her lips against his was setting his brain on fire. _'Birkhoff, Birkhoff' _the voice and the hand shaking his arm brought him back to reality. Shaking his head he stepped out of the elevator and headed on automatic pilot towards his car_. 'Uh uh, no way are you driving anywhere. We'll take my car'. _Stumbling he turned to follow her_ 'Uh yeah' _

Nikita settled Birkhoff into car. As she got into the driver's side she glanced across at him, he looked wrecked, and was shaking his head and talking to himself. She could have sworn he'd just said something about not wanting to be a werewolf. She was worried about him – they all were. Birkhoff was in trouble.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Nikita, Birkhoff or Michael forgot to mention this first time round. Not that I think anyone thought otherwise.**

**Chapter Two – The trouble with feelings**

**8pm Day Four AP**

Nikita glanced at Birkhoff out of the corner of her eye as the car purred along the back roads of New Jersey. He'd stopped muttering to himself and was now sitting with his eyes closed head back against the seat. He looked like he might even have drifted off to sleep, and Nikita hesitated to say anything that would wake him. Then she noticed his hands – they were twisting together – knuckles white with tension. Whatever he was doing Birkhoff wasn't sleeping peacefully– not unless he was dreaming about ringing Percy's neck with his bare hands. Then again recently she'd been there and dreamt that –occasionally it was even therapeutic. Not that Michael had appreciated her new form of therapy, as far as he was concerned there was only one thing she was supposed to be thinking about in their bed – and it wasn't Percy. She smiled to herself, sometimes he was so absurd, she did like the way he took her mind off Percy though. Her smile widened as memories of Michael's hands warm and callused caressing her skin, his lips soft against hers as his tongue stroked across her bottom lip, the faint scrap of his beard and his arms wrapping around her to bring her more fully against the long lean strength of his body replayed themselves. Hmmm…. she really needed to spend some more time in bed, maybe sleep in a morning or two.

Of course thoughts of beds naturally led to thoughts of Michael (and the reverse), and whilst the bed they had now was better than the one at her loft (about the only thing their current place had over her loft) it wasn't as good as the one they'd had at the beach house. She missed it - crisp white linen sheets reflecting in the long windows, mountains of pillows and a fluffy doona that had on occasion kept the world at bay. She really missed that bed. Birkhoff had bitched relentlessly for the first few weeks they'd lived there about it. "Why did she need such a big bed?" cause she did. "It was his house he should have the Master suite." she'd offered to fight him for it, one handed she'd been trying to be fair. "What the hell was she doing with so many pillows." it was a girl thing she could explain but then she'd have to kill him. He hadn't said another word after Michael came back from London though –even when it was obvious that she was still sleeping in that big bed all on her own.

Sometimes she forgot how sweet he could be under that brash geeky exterior. He was family, they were a family – dysfunctional, broken, argumentative and probably a little too homicidal, but still family. With Birkhoff she didn't have to be anyone but Niki. Niki – who liked to play it dumb around the tech stuff (even though they both knew she was more than capable, she'd got that shell program past him after all). Niki who hugged him when she was happy and when she was sad, and just because she felt like it and she knew it confused him – because neither of them had many people they could hug in their lives, or at least not too many it was safe to hug often (especially back in Division where all this had started). Niki who teased him about what he ate, and let him tease her right back. Niki -who noticed him, who respected him, and who talked to him even though he wasn't the biggest scariest thing in the food chain or the best looking. Niki -who understood what it was like to be powerless and how precious it was to have something that was yours, a relationship, a connection with someone else, anything that wasn't defined by the organisation that owned you, a soft voice in your ear, a joke, a nickname. When she looked at the reflection of herself in Birkhoff's eyes Nikita could nearly imagine liking that person, that person was perhaps even worth loving.

Hell she was certainly feeling maudlin tonight. Still Birkhoff was important – important to her and to their family and she needed to find out what was going on in that pointy little head of his before it imploded -again. Nikita figured it had something to do with his kissing her – she wasn't stupid he'd pretty much been avoiding her ever since and it wasn't like he went round kissing girls every day. Although come to think of it from what both Sonya and Ryan had said he seemed to be on a real roll lately. Way to make a girl feel special Nerd -maybe she should be pissed off. No -she just needed to find a way of discussing the kiss, easier said than done of course. Neither of them was exactly good at talking about emotional crap – realistically they were a couple of screwed up emotionally disturbed individuals, with serious insecurities, commitment problems and long term self-esteem issues – and they were their strong points. Not to mention Birkhoff was male – a -serious handicap for any kind of discussion involving feelings. Maybe she could leave him a post-it note?

Glancing over at him again she realised his breathing had changed – he was awake and clearly faking it now. _'Birkhoff'_ – no response, _'Nerd'_ again no response – he didn't even open his eyes to acknowledge she'd spoken. _'Seymour Birkhoff talk to me' _she hated being ignored, she'd spent far too long having people treat her like she was invisible.

'_Jeez Niki you sound like my mother.'_ glancing at him again Nikita sees his eyes are now open and starring at her. Red rimmed and bleary eyed he still manages to convey world-weary annoyance. Sometimes she thinks he's like a permanently aggravating little brother. She's obviously never had one, but imagines that they have this perpetual attitude of condescension and aggravation. Peter Pan but without the flying, although didn't Red Bull give you wings? He certainly drank enough –if anyone could fly on that stuff it would be him. Then again a flying Birkhoff would be even more aggravating, he was bad enough with the whole Shadowwalker routine -God help them all if he got an actual superpower.

'_So you kiss your mother like that often Birkhoff – certainly explains a few things' _well attack always was her default strategy, so she might as well get straight to the point. He chokes, or coughs, or inhales badly and then tries to swallow, she isn't sure which.

'_For fucks sake Niki' _

'_Well what am I expected to think Nerd, one minute your kissing me, then your kissing Sonya, now I'm your mother. So which is it – do you think your James Bond or are you having a mid-life crisis and you've developed mummy issues?'_

'_Look can we just drop it– pretend it never happened and move on? Can we just do the guy thing here- please?' _Birkhoff's voice manages to convey desperation, annoyance and hope in equal parts. Nikita chuckles, it's a little watery but she's trying.

'_The guy thing huh -sounds good to me Nerd. Although you may have to at least talk to Michael, you did promise he could kick your ass.' _This time her laugh is genuine as she pictures Michael's face after Birkhoff had kissed her. He'd been freaked, in a "What Twilight Zone have we entered now?" kind of way, but she seriously doubts he actually wants to hurt Birkhoff over it - much. Birkhoff is back to glaring at her though.

'_Yeah right – laugh it's alright for you. You know this is really your fault anyway. If you hadn't been waltzing around in that little white lace thing, practically waving your mostly -naked breasts in my face I might have been in a more rational frame of mind when you outlined your latest dramatic plan for dying with flair. Then maybe kissing you senseless wouldn't have been my first response.'_

Nikita was getting pissed now too –'_firstly Birkhoff I was NOT waving my breasts naked or otherwise in your face. I was wearing my pyjamas and Ryan didn't seem to have a problem with that. As for kissing me senseless - please – in your dreams Nerd. I was just trying not to laugh in your face'. _Birkhoff laughs – it's really more of a short bark.

'_Ryan was just enjoying the view; anybody with a pulse would when you parade around in less than nothing. Hell Niki you're always getting changed in front of people and you think no one notices? You're not exactly hard on the eyes, why wouldn't we appreciate the show and if kissing me was so forgettable how come we're still talking about it hmmm?' _Nikita thumps the steering wheel in anger it would be so much easier if she could just knock him on his ass, or better yet knock him out.

'_Birkhoff do playgrounds, rocking horses and duct tape ring any bells for you? Cause I swear if you don't stop talking like an asshole there's going to be a re-enactment real soon.'_

'Threats Niki – threats – that's what we're coming to. After everything I've done for you, everything we've gone through this is what I get. Some lip action and I admit to enjoying the scenery and suddenly you want to go all GI Jane on me. Why don't you just pull a couple of teeth and take all my money while you're at it? No wait – you've already fucking done that.' Nikita slams on the brakes and slides the car to stop on the side of the road. _'Do not fucking talk to me like that.'_ Nikita can barely force the words out she is clenching her jaw so hard and then in a sudden whirl she is out of the car, slamming the door and striding off up the road.

Shit – Birkhoff dropped his head back against the seat and closed his eyes. Good one – now he'd really pissed her off, talk about being in trouble. He's sitting in a car in the middle of god forsaken nowhere New Jersey watching a pissed off assassin stalk into the night and wishing the sway of her hips as she stormed off didn't produce a burn of admiration low in his gut. Him and his big mouth – great way to make it obvious he's been doing way to much thinking with his little head instead of his big one. Nikita's cell begins to vibrate, checking the caller id Birkhoff groans. It's Michael, he is so not answering. He is in so much trouble.

**AN: So not exactly happy with this, but have been playing with it for a while so decided I should put it up and try use reader reaction to see if it was worth continuing. So please if you're reading this thank you, and let me know what you think. Review please.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: Feelings are for girls**

**A/N: Usual disclaimers apply**

**9pm Day Four AP**

Nikita feels stupid. She doesn't like feeling stupid. In fact apart from feeling powerless it's about her least favourite feeling and one she works very hard to avoid. In general she's found a gun the perfect stupidity prevention tool. People tend to take you seriously and no one says anything derogatory when you're the one holding the gun. _**If that little hairy bag of over developed hormones thought that he….**_She needs to stop this, take stock, assess the situation and get herself back under control. She stops walking. She's come far enough in her initial burst of anger that the car is out of sight and around her the darkness of early winter is a quite backdrop to her furious thoughts. She still feels stupid. One part of her wants to keep walking, pretend she's never met him. Pretend he's never thought about her like that, never judged her, never suggested she was a live sex show playing in his over sexed hairy little hobbit head. To just disappear and go somewhere, anywhere, where no one knows her and where no one can hurt her with just their god damn words. This family stuff is crap – brothers are clearly a serious pain in the ass and not one she thinks she needs. On the other hand she wants to go back and turn that techno gnome into a bloody pulp - to make him regret ever thinking about -let alone actually putting- his lips on hers. To make it physically impossible for him to put his eyes, or any other body part, on her ever again and preferably she won't be using a gun when she does it. Sometimes brothers obviously need to be put in their place – HARD- and that is something she knows she'd be good at. Turning around Nikita heads back towards the car, pulling her gun from the holster at her back she smiles. She's not feeling stupid now. Birkhoff is in trouble.

Birkhoff is still cursing fate, Michael, Nikita and his own stupid libido when the crunch of gravel and the sudden rush of cold air herald Nikita's return. The car door is wrenched open and he finds himself being dragged out and thrown against the side of the car before he can even blink. Shaking his head he tries to struggle upright only to be brought up short by Nikita's hand at his throat and the sight of the gun she is holding on him. _'Ah Niki' _

'_I thought we were friends Birkhoff but friends do not make other friends feel like shit. And if we're friends Seymour you should know friends do not kiss each other and then tell them it was because they liked the show. Friends talk to one another. So either we're friends and we talk or you've gotten fucking confused and think my names Josephine. In which case I'll do you a favour and kill you myself – before Michael finds out.' _ Trying to swallow, his mouth suddenly dry, Birkhoff isn't sure whether to be too terrified to speak or too terrified not to. Nikita has been shoving the gun repeatedly into his stomach, and has now dropped her death grip on his throat to pace back and forth in front of him. As soon as she says the name Josephine he knows he is screwed. Hell Hans Solo had a better chance of getting away from Jabba the Hutt on his own. Talk about touching a nerve- how could he have forgotten how bloody bad Niki is with the anger management- particularly when it comes to suggestions about her and sex. Back at Division he's seen her take down guys twice his size for looking at her like they might like to do more, let alone actually doing anything about it. Fuck -and he was stupid enough to kiss her!

One of the reasons it had taken anyone in Division (even Birkhoff with his obviously superior powers of observation) so long to realise what was going down between Nikita and Michael was that everybody had pretty much concluded she hated men. Admittedly right off she'd seemed to hate women, computers, and small animals and most anything that breathed in her direction too, so perhaps there had been some basis for the confusion. With what he'd read in her case history and what Amanda and Percy put her through it surprised him that she hadn't. Funnily enough after reading some of the stuff on the black box about her he'd been a little nervous around her for a while. Well it hadn't truly been funny, but he'd gotten over it, mostly. And he still found it semi-impressive that Michael was prepared to go there with her, given the history. Nikita's family shit was scary, maybe even scarier than her "I can kill you with the just my pinkie finger" attitude. _**Shit, shit, shit**_… He'd promised himself he would never even think about that crap again. Nikita's history was best left where it belonged in the past. And he'd sworn to NEVER think about what Nikita and Michael did when they were alone – together- again. It wasn't good for his health or his life expectancy. That one time when he had tried guy talk with Mikey had not worked out so well. Oxygen deprivation or just his overall lack of sleep had clearly made him delusional. His brain was not on track and he needed to get his shit together. Hell -he needs the Force, the One bloody Ring and a Sword of frigging Truth at this point. Fuck he's actually going to have to discuss FEELINGS if he wants to make this right. When did his life become so fucking complicated, and what was so fucking wrong with being a Vulcan?

_You know…fuck … look the kiss …it wasn't like that. I… for…..shit I thought you were going to fucking die okay? Sometimes –hell -a lot of the time, I think you've got a death wish Niki. This time I thought I was going to have to sit there and listen to you fucking die – again – and well I couldn't do it without saying goodbye first. The rest, the rest is just shit. Shit to cover what is actually going on -that I care.' _Birkhoff's voice is rough and quiet, the lights from the dash throwing his face into sharp relief. Nikita has stopped pacing and is staring at him, the hand with the gun now hanging limp at her side, tears of anger, frustration, sorrow, she's not sure what, are blurring Birkhoff's face. _'Nerd'_ It's like now that Birkhoff's found the courage to start (or perhaps more accurately has been scared shitless and doesn't think he has anything to lose) he can't stop and he keeps speaking right over her.

'_You know I care, we've both known I care – maybe sometimes too much. And yeah by care I mean love, but it's not like I expect anything to change. You've got Mikey and he's got you, and I get that. I really really do. It's that whole soul mates, destiny crap, and all the stuff they talk about in books and movies, but real. You're like Romeo and Juliet the action series and I am so not going to be that werewolf… I mean guy…. from France, Paris or whatever. Hell I've spent the last fucking six months being a combination cheer squad and therapist for you two'_ Birkhoff swallows noisily and inhales. _I may be a selfish idiot, with a slight over appreciation for your packaging but that's just because I'm a GUY. So I'm sorry okay. Sorry I'm an ass; sorry I let my mouth run off without its filter. Just fucking sorry.'_

'_I love you too Nerd' _It was Nikita's turn to choke up, her voice husky with the tears she refused to shed._ 'Hell you're the closest thing to family I've ever had, and I don't want to lose that. It just seems like I no sooner get one aspect of my life under control than I lose another. I don't want that to happen here. I don't want it to have to be a choice. I want what we have to stay the same Seymour, but it's all changing. There are just too many bloody we're back in Division and they're on our side and Ryan's telling us what to do, and it's all just different, but also so much the same. And I just… I need to deal -but suddenly your hiding in corners, Alex is all hearts and flowers and Michael...well Michael he's…' _Nikita's voice trails off as she's unable to finish the thought, not wanting to voice her fears again. Tears are completely blurring her vision now, and she raises a hand to swipe at her eyes. She needs to lock things down, to get control. She needs to figure out who's on her side. She needs to figure out what her side is.

'_I want that too Niki. You and Mikey gave me the courage to step up, to give Percy the finger and stick it to Amanda and Division. That's what friends –family's about, supporting you, watching your back, killing the bad guys and bringing down the evil secret government agencies together. Saving the world again and all that shit' __**Fuck**_ – Birkhoff thinks he might actually be turning into a girl. This talking about feelings crap is actually working. Or at least Niki no longer looks set to kill him; in fact looking at her now she almost looks like she's ready to cry. _**Oh shit no**_ -this is not something he is prepared to handle -feelings maybe. Crying women not if he can avoid it, a crying Nikita definitely not. Spies didn't cry did they? Surely it was part of the training – "One hundred ways not to cry". Making Niki cry had to be worse than kissing her – Mikey was going to kill him. He was in trouble, so much fucking trouble.

AN: Apologies for taking so long to update, I will try to do better next time. I would especially like to thank those people who have taken the time to review, favourite or follow this story. It always makes my day. :D


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